Life is momentum

[Jon]

Do you ever find yourself caught up doing stuff while the "other stuff" gets left behind? Whatever we decide to do with our time, there is always an opportunity cost for the "other stuff" that doesn't get done. You get some momentum going on a project but then life gets in the way, slowing down that snowball rolling down a hill!

How do you balance out your activities when there is too much to do?

 

[The_Doc_Man]

There is only one way for me - take the time to prioritize, to recognize what really IS important, and to then pick highest priority first. Before I sound TOO much like a total workaholic, doing things to help me unwind can take VERY high priority sometimes.

 

[Bee]

I feel pulled in a million directions just now. Work is just as demanding as always - only now I'm leaving, I'm handing over my projects to a number of other people and that's very time consuming bringing them up to speed while keeping things moving.

And I'm moving house - as you know. That's very exciting, but I don't cope very well when my environment is upset in any way, so I've had to pre-plan what I'm going to pack prior to actually doing it, to give my sub-conscious time to get to grips with things because the last thing I have time for now is a hissy fit.

And then it's Christmas. But I've decided I'm not bothering this year and I'll have Christmas at home, on my own, in my PJs with a good book and a glass of Baileys.

And then I'll be getting ready for the new job and leaving my current job. I start the new one on 4th Feb and I have to find somewhere to live for the part of the week that I'll be working up there. So at the moment, everything seems a bit overwhelming as I have no-one to lean on for support. But, when it's all done and settled, I'll be able to look back and feel a sense of pride that I did it all myself - and survived.

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Bee, one of the more enlightened things about one of my early jobs was that the boss really WAS into helping new supervisors and managers with advice on how to recognize issues in employee performance. He sent us to management classes and I remember at least some of what I learned. You just mentioned three of the top five stress-generators that can affect a person.

First, you are changing jobs, which is a double-barreled "gotcha." You are breaking old relationship dynamics and making a whole new set of dynamics. Even if you stay friends with the previous group, you have changed the way you interact with them. I remember trying to finish a few projects when I was retiring and things just didn't go as well as I wanted in the "handoff" process.

Then, you are changing houses, which destroys any semblance of familiarity until you can put up some of your old decorations. It takes a while, but putting up old pictures and familiar bric-a-brac might help restore some of that semblance.

Finally, the holidays, particularly when experienced alone, can be subtly demoralizing. If some of your friends invite you to a holiday party, maybe you should go just to establish a sense of continuity in SOME parts of your life.

In case you were wondering, the other two stress-makers are change of marital status (either way) and change in family composition (birth OR death).

 

[Bee]

Thanks, Doc. I had the change of marital status bit about 18 months ago. Although it wasn't easy at the time, it's opened up a world of opportunities for me and my life now is so very different, richer, and fuller than it was. I'm one of life's natural optimists and now, with just myself to answer to, I find I can take opportunities as they present themselves - and equally choose not to. But I agree, at the time - and even though it was something I wanted - the manner in which the relationship broke up was very destabilising and led me to question my own personal value (he left me for someone half my age - then married her 3 months later).

I've decided it's his loss. I've flourished since he left.

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Bee, sometimes you find that the person you loved and trusted has changed. What's the old Chinese saying? We are a new person every five years.

I know that my wife's ex stepped out on their marriage several times, and after 24 years of marriage, she gave him an ultimatum: His choices were to go to marriage counseling or get divorced. He walked. I stepped in to offer my sweetie a shoulder to cry on and friend to listen while she vented. Those "crying on the shoulder" times led to cuddling and, well, one thing led to another... you know how that goes.

Less that a year later he married the home-wrecker. But... less than five years later, he divorced HER because she wanted kids and he didn't. Or so the story goes. Now he's on his third wife, and SHE has her claws in him so deep that he will NEVER divorce her. Because she will take him to cleaners he didn't even know existed. Look up the word "shrew" in the dictionary and you see her picture.

Meanwhile, my dear wife and I have found stability, love, and committment. We both changed, too, but I think for the better. So the divorce helped my wife find new possibilities as well. To be honest, I cannot look on divorce as a negative thing long-term even though it might be very upsetting short-term. You see, the two most important women in my life came to me through divorce. I am my wife's second husband and my mothers son by HER second husband.

 

[Bee]

That's interesting - and heart-warming, Doc. I always think that successful couples are the ones that are flexible and adaptable enough (emotionally mature perhaps) to recognise that people change, and to weave those changes into the relationship so that both partners are pulling in the same direction. As you say, nothing stands still and so to expect a relationship to be the same in year 10 as it was in year 2 is setting yourself up for disappointment. If, however, you can both learn to grow and develop with the changes - that's the recipe of success. And it sounds like you and Mrs Doc have that in spades.