Has divorce affected your mental health?
- Thread starter Jon
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My divorce effected my mental health, it nearly broke me! I married one of my oldest friends at the age of 40 who I met when I was 18. He moved into mine and my sons home with his clothes and personal belongings and after a short marriage thought he was entitled to leave with half of everything that I have worked hard for all my life!! He refused to leave my home, took me to court to gain access back into my house after I changed the locks and then proceeded to live in my house while we went thorough and lengthy and draining legal battle. BUT in the end he left with very little and I got my life back, I think its safe to say I wont trust anyone one again easily.
I have not been divorced, but divorce affected me strongly - twice. I am the son of my mother and her second husband. I am my wife's second husband. To me, divorce is a sad but sometimes necessary way to end an unpleasant situation.
I remember how badly the divorce affected my wife. We started dating after the separation but before the divorce was final. She reached out to find a friend because she was desperately lonely. We started dating but kept it clean (no hanky-panky until the decree was final.) Many nights, she would come directly from work to my house. I cooked for her and we talked. Sometimes we went to dances or movies or concerts.
On the day the divorce was finalized, she called me to warn me. So when she knocked on the door, I greeted her with one open arm and a fresh box of tissues in the other. I think she cried for twenty minutes. The words came out in a torrent, mostly on themes such as "After all we went through, how could he leave me like that?" and "The no-good bustard went with his young hussy and has abandoned his kids." She felt like a discarded tissue herself, and believe me there were plenty of those before the evening was over. But I had seen the loving side of this woman and felt it would be a good match. (FYI, this November will be 24 years of marriage.)
Now she can talk about it dispassionately and even laugh. She gets a bit of vicious pleasure because her ex is on his third marriage and can't afford the alimony or property split that would come with a third divorce. I have enabled her to trust again. And her kids actually like me. The grandkids actually love me, I think. Otherwise they wouldn't come over to play games with me. And of course, me being that grumpy old curmudgeon doesn't seem to deter them from cuddling with me now and then.
I remember how badly the divorce affected my wife. We started dating after the separation but before the divorce was final. She reached out to find a friend because she was desperately lonely. We started dating but kept it clean (no hanky-panky until the decree was final.) Many nights, she would come directly from work to my house. I cooked for her and we talked. Sometimes we went to dances or movies or concerts.
On the day the divorce was finalized, she called me to warn me. So when she knocked on the door, I greeted her with one open arm and a fresh box of tissues in the other. I think she cried for twenty minutes. The words came out in a torrent, mostly on themes such as "After all we went through, how could he leave me like that?" and "The no-good bustard went with his young hussy and has abandoned his kids." She felt like a discarded tissue herself, and believe me there were plenty of those before the evening was over. But I had seen the loving side of this woman and felt it would be a good match. (FYI, this November will be 24 years of marriage.)
Now she can talk about it dispassionately and even laugh. She gets a bit of vicious pleasure because her ex is on his third marriage and can't afford the alimony or property split that would come with a third divorce. I have enabled her to trust again. And her kids actually like me. The grandkids actually love me, I think. Otherwise they wouldn't come over to play games with me. And of course, me being that grumpy old curmudgeon doesn't seem to deter them from cuddling with me now and then.
Divorce has effected me in my life twice also, my parents divorced when I was a teenager which I found very hard. It was probably a big part of why I didn't get married in my earlier years. It sounds like you were a great friend to your now wife in her hour of need, I am sure having you by her side made the whole process bearable. I was very lucky to have some amazing friends by my side who supported me through out. Not sure I would have come out the other side sane if it had not been for their continued hand holding.
Congratulations on 24 years
Congratulations on 24 years
I've divorced twice. The first time was after 3 months of marriage. He hit me - just once - but it was enough. I threw him out.
The second time was after 7 years of marriage - and it was very amicable and we are still good friends today, more than 20 years later.
However, I did have a long-term relationship break up in summer of last year. He left for a 26-year-old. That was tough. But now I'm mistress of my own destiny and happiness, I love my life, I love my job, and I have great friends. I've never been more comfortable in my own skin than I am now. I feel like I'm in my prime. At last.
The second time was after 7 years of marriage - and it was very amicable and we are still good friends today, more than 20 years later.
However, I did have a long-term relationship break up in summer of last year. He left for a 26-year-old. That was tough. But now I'm mistress of my own destiny and happiness, I love my life, I love my job, and I have great friends. I've never been more comfortable in my own skin than I am now. I feel like I'm in my prime. At last.
Lez, since you say you are very happy now, perhaps you can enlighten us about what makes you happy? I started a thread about this, which can be found here: https://themindtavern.com/community/threads/happiness-what-is-it-and-how-can-you-get-it.64/
By sharing your experience, you could perhaps help others find what sometimes eludes them.
By sharing your experience, you could perhaps help others find what sometimes eludes them.
I spent 20 years married to a man who was totally wrong for me. I had two wonderful daughter's with him but in the end I had a complete nervous breakdown which resulted in an attempt to take my life. I found the courage to tell him I no longer wanted to be with him. Following that I felt a huge weight lifted from my shoulders, but with that freedom came new problems. Selling the family home, finding somewhere for me and my kids to live and so on. The stress caused me to drink heavily and I found it hard to keep my life together. I made some bad decisions, some I regret bitterly, especially when my behaviour affected people I was close to.
Now, nearly 5 years on, things have settled, I am in a job I love, with a man I love. My mental health problems are still bubbling under the surface but I guess that's something I have to learn to live with.
Now, nearly 5 years on, things have settled, I am in a job I love, with a man I love. My mental health problems are still bubbling under the surface but I guess that's something I have to learn to live with.
Thanks for sharing Fifi. I never knew that. Sometimes you need those troughs in life to appreciate the peaks. or you can run along like I do with no troughs and peaks, in a state of zombification!
When you say your mental health problems are still bubbling under the surface, may I ask what you mean or is that being too nosy? (I am nosy!)
When you say your mental health problems are still bubbling under the surface, may I ask what you mean or is that being too nosy? (I am nosy!)
I suffer from anxiety, on occasion this can be severe. ( I recently had to have two months of work with anxiety) it can be debilitating, not being able to leave the house, not even being able to get out of bed, just not able to function, self harming. With the anxiety comes paranoia, voices telling you you are useless, ugly and so on. ( when I say voices, it's my voice in my head not external auditory hallucinations that someone suffering from psychosis would have) I take medication daily and it helps keep the anxiety at bay. On a bad day I take diazapan, but I really try and avoid taking that particular med. I find that mindfulness helps me, a technique that we use a lot at work to help our patients.
Yes, mindfulness seems to be the next big thing. I do meditation every day to try to clear my head. There are all sorts of benefits association with. I hope to rewire myself back to normality! I am a little unclear on what mindfulness actually involves, but I must get onto that because it is another mediation technique that many swear by.
Is the anxiety debilitating because the tension saps the energy out of you, or is it something else? The voices in your head thing, is that just the same thing that most of us have, like when we think to ourselves in words, or is it something else?
Is the anxiety debilitating because the tension saps the energy out of you, or is it something else? The voices in your head thing, is that just the same thing that most of us have, like when we think to ourselves in words, or is it something else?
Anxiety is a bugger. I have it too. That sick, dread feeling that won't go away no matter what you do. Mine is manageable without meds and most days it's non-existant. However, sometimes I'll have a negative thought and won't be able to pull away from it, no matter how hard I try and the next thing I know is that my stomach is doing that washing-machine tumble and I feel sick and shaky.
Anxiety does make me feel emotionally and physically drained. The physical shaking and tremors, lack of sleep, never able to "switch off" almost like i don't feel in control of my body or mind. Its hard to describe.
My voices is like a mini me in my head consistently telling me my flaws,during a bad episode, I can't drown out the voices, on good days I can ignore the voices. Its like my subconscious, I do have low self worth and self esteem ( resulted from a husband who constantly put me down, there's more to it than that, goes back to my childhood really) I take each day as it comes, I am very lucky because my partner is incredibly supportive and has done loads to build up my confidence. I consider myself very lucky!!
My voices is like a mini me in my head consistently telling me my flaws,during a bad episode, I can't drown out the voices, on good days I can ignore the voices. Its like my subconscious, I do have low self worth and self esteem ( resulted from a husband who constantly put me down, there's more to it than that, goes back to my childhood really) I take each day as it comes, I am very lucky because my partner is incredibly supportive and has done loads to build up my confidence. I consider myself very lucky!!
Divorce led to a few things for me.
1. I got four parents who love me instead of two.
2. I learned to enforce boundaries by hurting my parents. "Mom's a bitch, Dad's an asshole, I get it now shut up and keep that between you two."
3. My brothers' divorces taught me that it doesn't have to split the whole family. I still get to see my nieces and nephews as a result.
4. It makes me think twice before I decide a problem with my wife is too big to overcome or simply outlast and forget.
My experience is unlike any other person's I've met. Most I know of have severe trauma associated with the event and hold onto anger for years.
1. I got four parents who love me instead of two.
2. I learned to enforce boundaries by hurting my parents. "Mom's a bitch, Dad's an asshole, I get it now shut up and keep that between you two."
3. My brothers' divorces taught me that it doesn't have to split the whole family. I still get to see my nieces and nephews as a result.
4. It makes me think twice before I decide a problem with my wife is too big to overcome or simply outlast and forget.
My experience is unlike any other person's I've met. Most I know of have severe trauma associated with the event and hold onto anger for years.