Depression - please share

Jon

Administrator
Staff member
#1
Let's get one thing out in the open. Depression is normal! We all get it from time, since it is a everyday biological process that probably has an evolutionary reason for being there. Life can sometimes deal us some blows that kick us off course. To get down is commonplace. Yet at the same time, some of us are more prone to depression than others, perhaps due to a chemical imbalance, previous trauma or other phenomenon that I have not listed here.

Share with others your experience and help us understand this difficult psychological experience.
 
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FiFi

Founding Member
#2
I think my depression is due to a lot of external factors, my childhood was very difficult, as was my marriage and loads of other reasons, too many to mention here, ( I have questioned if I was just born unlucky!) I have been on antidepressants since young adulthood, I don't believe my depression is clinical but I don't know if I would have still have depression if I didn't have all the crap going on...does that make sense? Also, do my meds define who I am? Would I be a different person if I didn't take them, oh dear, I am thinking too much!!!
 

The_Doc_Man

Founding Member
#4
Sharing depression stories sometimes helps me to restore perspective on what I have done since my bad times, and it helps others to know that it is possible to survive despite some serious obstacles.

My depression came on when I had to face being my mother's sole care-giver after my father died. Mom had already started down the spiral descent into Alzheimer's, and I had no one to help me. I had no brothers or sisters and my mother's family was two states away. My father's closest family was the other side of Louisiana, near the Texas border, and they had an ailing parent to consider as well. So it was "you and me against the world" with my mother. That situation degraded until I had to put her into a nursing home, but it got worse after that as her mental acuity declined.

Long after the fact, I realized through research that Mom had started in a classic progression. She was already at stage one of Alzheimer's while she was at home. As things progressed, it became clear that she was a danger to herself when home alone, but my job did not allow for telecommuting because back then, hardly anyone ever did that. We talked about a nursing home, but she was reluctant - then suddenly she wasn't (probably due to mental decline) and I pounced on the moment. In retrospect, I had cut the timing way too close because she was probably already in stage two of Alzheimer's, not that there is a sharp line between the phases. But two weeks into her stay, she attacked one of the nurses. They expected such irrationally combative behavior, but it was still a surprise to me. Her spiral lasted several years, maybe as many as ten, but only about three years of it was in a nursing facility. Dad had recognized the behavioral changes and tried to talk to me about it, but back then there was no public awareness of Alzheimer's Disease and neither of us knew what to do. Then Dad died and I had to face the problem alone.

The depression grew as the stress factors grew. I was depressed because I watched my mother go through a mental decline from a happy person with a great sense of humor down to a living but unresponsive body in fetal position, one of the two possible manifestations of Alzheimer's 4th stage. A few factors in this situation compounded my misery included things like:

1. Being a really lousy date - because I could not concentrate on my partner for the evening. After having to say goodbye to a really beautiful woman who wanted attention that I couldn't give, I stopped dating entirely because at that time, I was focused on Mom and no woman would be able to come between us at that moment.​
2. Watching Mom slip away a little at the time, including that terrible day when I walked into her room and she was afraid of me because she no longer knew me. My own mother forgot me! That is when I learned to put on the "mask" and smile while my heart was breaking. When I went home late that night, all I could do was cry for an hour or two and try to get some sleep. And that was six days a week. (Friday was my "go to therapist" afternoon.)​
3. Having to turn down a promotion (to corporate vice-president) at work because I spent hours with Mom, reading to her while she was still semi-lucid and just talking to her when she had become unable to follow stories any more. I didn't have time for an immersive job as long as I was still Mom's sole care-giver. And in some nursing homes, you HAVE to visit frequently because otherwise terrible things happen. Like Mom's bed-sores larger than my opened palm, which got corrected AFTER I confronted the head of the home about having the attendants do the right things to correct that situation. I didn't have time for that job but I cried just a little bit harder at night for two days after that moment.​
4. Having to turn down a head-hunter recruiting for a job that fit me to the 95% level (as headhunters rate it) because Mom wasn't in any condition to be moved and I wasn't about to leave her alone. It would have been a lab directorship in a place that used computers directly connected to many sensors in a agricultural research lab in the USA Midwest - but I couldn't go.​
5. During this time, my employer got bought out and the new owners wanted everyone to relocate to Maryland, but I couldn't leave. I had to take a hardship exception and accept being laid off. So in the midst of all of this I had to change jobs. But then, what was one more layer of stress among us chickens? The job I took was lower in pay but it left me in a stable position to care for Mom and I was still able to pay bills, so that particular stress abated.​
6. Having to move Mom from a level 1 to a level 2 nursing home after her kidneys failed the first time, because the level 1 nursing home did not have round-the-clock skilled nursing care and could not take her back. Not to mention that the stress factors were mounting as her health was physically declining.​
7. Having to make the decision that allowed her to die, when her kidneys failed for the second time. After a long talk with her attending physician at the level 2 nursing home, I had to say NO to surgery to prepare her for dialysis. I told him to use any pharmacuetical means possible to stabilize that situation, but there would be no surgical procedures, no transplants, no drastic measures - but there WOULD be a DNR order. At that point she was already at stage 4, in a persistent vegetative state, and I had to realize that to put her through full-anaesthesia surgery to implant shunts would represent selfishness on my part. I realized that sometimes the more generous action was to let go. Three weeks later, it was over. On a Saturday, I visited her and saw her lying in the bed, unresponsive. But on that day, for some reason, I gave her permission to "go" if she wanted to, and told her I would be OK. At 2 AM Sunday, the home called me to notify me that she had passed.​
8. Taking her to her home in Alabama for burial and coming home on the plane alone, it was the strangest feeling of relief in the midst of loss.​

During this time, I was seeing a therapist and eventually broke out of the depressed funk that I was in. But it was during this deep depression that I lost what faith I might have had. This is partly covered in another thread, so I'll summarize: I had plenty of time to read but there was no comfort to be found anywhere in the Bible. The more I read, the more I realized I was on my own, alone and isolated - because there was no help to be found, no words of wisdom, no glimmer of hope. And THAT loss of faith coupled with my mother's situation resulted in a near-suicidal depression. But my therapist and I worked through that pain enough for me to analyze the pain and know it for what it was.

After Mom died, it took me maybe six or seven months to resurface, but what broke me out of the funk was that I finally COULD take a job offer - that ironically kept me in New Orleans. The Navy sent me to a convention and I came home with the perspective that life was still going on. I still had issues, but they worked their way out as well. Eventually I met my dearest Linda and we "hooked up" as the saying goes. This November will be 24 years of marriage to my loving, caring partner. I can look back and say, "I survived it." But to be honest, in retrospect it was a close call.
 

Jon

Administrator
Staff member
#5
Thank you for sharing a very heartfelt story Doc. Those sounded like tough times. Sometimes when we are deep in the quagmire, we can't see over the top at the beauty out there. The only thing to do is keep on keeping on. Eventually, everything passes, even our own lives.

I am curious how you felt after writing that story?
 

The_Doc_Man

Founding Member
#6
It brought back a few tough moments to the level of clarity of a suddenly awakened memory, reliving some of those moments as though they were only yesterday. A few tears, but also a renewed recognition that I did what I had to do at the time. I had fulfilled a promise I made to my dad before he died, that I would take care of Mom if I had to. At the time, that conversation was in the abstract realm of "IF" but then Dad had his myocardial infarction and that promise became reality. I also remembered that due to Dad's sudden passing, I didn't have time to grieve him, but when Mom passed, both deaths hit me really hard.

I was a wreck during those times, but right now taking care of my temporarily ailing wife is easy. And it is because of the principle behind the phrase, "That which does not kill me makes me stronger." I got stronger and telling that story reminded me of that fact.
 

Jon

Administrator
Staff member
#7
Hah, before I got to that phrase it was already in my mind to add that to my reply. Your circle of competence grew and I can understand how easy it would be to care for a temporary condition versus a chronic condition. There is always that light at the end of the tunnel.
 

FiFi

Founding Member
#9
Sharing depression stories sometimes helps me to restore perspective on what I have done since my bad times, and it helps others to know that it is possible to survive despite some serious obstacles.

My depression came on when I had to face being my mother's sole care-giver after my father died. Mom had already started down the spiral descent into Alzheimer's, and I had no one to help me. I had no brothers or sisters and my mother's family was two states away. My father's closest family was the other side of Louisiana, near the Texas border, and they had an ailing parent to consider as well. So it was "you and me against the world" with my mother. That situation degraded until I had to put her into a nursing home, but it got worse after that as her mental acuity declined.

Long after the fact, I realized through research that Mom had started in a classic progression. She was already at stage one of Alzheimer's while she was at home. As things progressed, it became clear that she was a danger to herself when home alone, but my job did not allow for telecommuting because back then, hardly anyone ever did that. We talked about a nursing home, but she was reluctant - then suddenly she wasn't (probably due to mental decline) and I pounced on the moment. In retrospect, I had cut the timing way too close because she was probably already in stage two of Alzheimer's, not that there is a sharp line between the phases. But two weeks into her stay, she attacked one of the nurses. They expected such irrationally combative behavior, but it was still a surprise to me. Her spiral lasted several years, maybe as many as ten, but only about three years of it was in a nursing facility. Dad had recognized the behavioral changes and tried to talk to me about it, but back then there was no public awareness of Alzheimer's Disease and neither of us knew what to do. Then Dad died and I had to face the problem alone.

The depression grew as the stress factors grew. I was depressed because I watched my mother go through a mental decline from a happy person with a great sense of humor down to a living but unresponsive body in fetal position, one of the two possible manifestations of Alzheimer's 4th stage. A few factors in this situation compounded my misery included things like:

1. Being a really lousy date - because I could not concentrate on my partner for the evening. After having to say goodbye to a really beautiful woman who wanted attention that I couldn't give, I stopped dating entirely because at that time, I was focused on Mom and no woman would be able to come between us at that moment.​
2. Watching Mom slip away a little at the time, including that terrible day when I walked into her room and she was afraid of me because she no longer knew me. My own mother forgot me! That is when I learned to put on the "mask" and smile while my heart was breaking. When I went home late that night, all I could do was cry for an hour or two and try to get some sleep. And that was six days a week. (Friday was my "go to therapist" afternoon.)​
3. Having to turn down a promotion (to corporate vice-president) at work because I spent hours with Mom, reading to her while she was still semi-lucid and just talking to her when she had become unable to follow stories any more. I didn't have time for an immersive job as long as I was still Mom's sole care-giver. And in some nursing homes, you HAVE to visit frequently because otherwise terrible things happen. Like Mom's bed-sores larger than my opened palm, which got corrected AFTER I confronted the head of the home about having the attendants do the right things to correct that situation. I didn't have time for that job but I cried just a little bit harder at night for two days after that moment.​
4. Having to turn down a head-hunter recruiting for a job that fit me to the 95% level (as headhunters rate it) because Mom wasn't in any condition to be moved and I wasn't about to leave her alone. It would have been a lab directorship in a place that used computers directly connected to many sensors in a agricultural research lab in the USA Midwest - but I couldn't go.​
5. During this time, my employer got bought out and the new owners wanted everyone to relocate to Maryland, but I couldn't leave. I had to take a hardship exception and accept being laid off. So in the midst of all of this I had to change jobs. But then, what was one more layer of stress among us chickens? The job I took was lower in pay but it left me in a stable position to care for Mom and I was still able to pay bills, so that particular stress abated.​
6. Having to move Mom from a level 1 to a level 2 nursing home after her kidneys failed the first time, because the level 1 nursing home did not have round-the-clock skilled nursing care and could not take her back. Not to mention that the stress factors were mounting as her health was physically declining.​
7. Having to make the decision that allowed her to die, when her kidneys failed for the second time. After a long talk with her attending physician at the level 2 nursing home, I had to say NO to surgery to prepare her for dialysis. I told him to use any pharmacuetical means possible to stabilize that situation, but there would be no surgical procedures, no transplants, no drastic measures - but there WOULD be a DNR order. At that point she was already at stage 4, in a persistent vegetative state, and I had to realize that to put her through full-anaesthesia surgery to implant shunts would represent selfishness on my part. I realized that sometimes the more generous action was to let go. Three weeks later, it was over. On a Saturday, I visited her and saw her lying in the bed, unresponsive. But on that day, for some reason, I gave her permission to "go" if she wanted to, and told her I would be OK. At 2 AM Sunday, the home called me to notify me that she had passed.​
8. Taking her to her home in Alabama for burial and coming home on the plane alone, it was the strangest feeling of relief in the midst of loss.​

During this time, I was seeing a therapist and eventually broke out of the depressed funk that I was in. But it was during this deep depression that I lost what faith I might have had. This is partly covered in another thread, so I'll summarize: I had plenty of time to read but there was no comfort to be found anywhere in the Bible. The more I read, the more I realized I was on my own, alone and isolated - because there was no help to be found, no words of wisdom, no glimmer of hope. And THAT loss of faith coupled with my mother's situation resulted in a near-suicidal depression. But my therapist and I worked through that pain enough for me to analyze the pain and know it for what it was.

After Mom died, it took me maybe six or seven months to resurface, but what broke me out of the funk was that I finally COULD take a job offer - that ironically kept me in New Orleans. The Navy sent me to a convention and I came home with the perspective that life was still going on. I still had issues, but they worked their way out as well. Eventually I met my dearest Linda and we "hooked up" as the saying goes. This November will be 24 years of marriage to my loving, caring partner. I can look back and say, "I survived it." But to be honest, in retrospect it was a close call.
You have been through a lot. I am so sorry you were so alone at such a difficult time. X
 

Jon

Administrator
Staff member
#10
Fifi, in what way was it hell? Did it suddenly hit, or did is slowly become hell as the effects of the antidepressants slowly went out of your system?
 

FiFi

Founding Member
#11
Was gradual, my mood lowered, I became emotionally unstable, started self harming, drank, hearing voices. It was like I wasn't in control of my own mind or body. Needless to say I went back on them pretty quick!
 

FiFi

Founding Member
#13
Nope. They were not external voices,or auditory hallucinations,something seen a lot with psychotic people. It was my voice telling me i was a terrible person.
 

Bee

Founding Member
#15
I have low-level ongoing depression. It's kind of in the background and for some years, I managed it with medication. That was fine. It's simply a chemical imbalance.

But, in 2007, a series of events conspired to knock me off my feet. I miscarried a baby, then two weeks later, a very close family friend had heart surgery and came through the operation. We were ecstatic, believing the operation to be the worst of it. He died the following day and the shock is with me to this day. Two weeks after that, my dad died. And although he'd been in ill health for many years, and we'd been 'expecting' it, it wasn't the release that I thought. That was Jan/Feb time. I thought I was fine. And I carried on, in the way I normally do - just quietly getting on with things. My relationship broke up - my choice - because I could barely look after myself, let alone a grown man with his own issues.

Then, one Friday morning in July, I woke up and couldn't stop crying. Huge, wracking sobs, shuddered through me and I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror - holding a box of paracetamol and a box of sleeping pills - and giving serious thought to which one would be the most effective way to simply go to sleep and not wake up again. And I meant it.

I was frightened by my thoughts and managed to get an emergency appointment with the doctor just 30 minutes later. He put me in the care of the mental health crisis team for the weekend and they came and checked on me regularly. Over the next 72 hours, I was able to process some of the feelings and the need (and it was a need) to not wake up again lessened.

Since then, I've had a couple of low periods. My partner of 10 years leaving me for a 26-year old last year was one of them. A close friend committing suicide by hanging was another. And my best friend died of ovarian cancer on Christmas Day 2012. None of those things brought me anywhere near to the deep emptiness and bleakness I felt that day in July 2007. And the memory of it keeps me going. It keeps my feet attached to this planet. I never want to experience that again.

And yet, my life is currently up in the air. I may be changing jobs. I am moving house. I am trying to support a close friend through issues from his childhood. And I feel very, very alone. The fight or flight impetus is raging inside me. As I'm writing this, I feel sick with anxiety. I pride myself on my mental strength, on being a strong woman. But when it comes down to it, I'm alone - and I have to get through all of this in one piece.
 
#16
Bee, I'm all about math. For me, when you add friends, you subtract loneliness. You multiply joys and you divide sorrows.

Sometimes the secret of going on is to just do it. Looking backwards through tough times lets you realize you ARE tough and can let things bounce off of you. Your trials and tribulations are just armor for future conflicts.
 

Bee

Founding Member
#18
Good points - but for me, it's a bit more existential. I have good people around me - a handful of close friends, and a wide circle of people I can spend time with. No family, however.

But at the end of the day, all those people have lives and worries and tribulations of their own - and the only person I can rely on is me.
 

Jon

Administrator
Staff member
#19
There are levels of reliance. The buck stops with you. But you can rely on others with varying degrees of reliance! And others who have no reliability and therefore zero reliance.
 
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